The Underdog

Underdogloser or predicted loser in a struggle or contest

She seemed to gravitate toward the underdogs. She wasn’t sure if this was something she’d done her entire life, but as of late it seemed that way. Most recently she was hooking up with an underdog. He was more like the underdog’s underdog that’s how under he was. But she liked him. She’d been trying to figure out what she liked most about him. Was it the ways he made her feel special;   the tiny gestures that gave her butterflies, his eyes gazing at her a little longer than they  should have when he was done speaking? Often she’d ask, “What are you looking at?” and his response would usually be the same, “Can’t I look? I like what I see.” Or the winks he’d give her from across the room?  And of course the fire that ignited when they were intimate;  it was fierce. All of this was nothing she’d ever experienced. Mostly because she had always been the underdog.

But she knew he was the underdog this time.   The underdog isn’t expected to win. She didn’t expect it to go anywhere. She didn’t want it to go anywhere. She just wanted to hear the words, the feel of his body against hers, the glances she caught that made her skin tingle. She didn’t want to open her heart.  She didn’t want to care.

About a year and half of this so-called ‘relationship’ – the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected, he decided to abruptly end it. He tells her he wanted nothing. He wasn’t looking for anything. She was baffled. Neither was she.  He wasn’t making any sense. She kept pushing and was rejected. Her ego was starting to bruise. She didn’t want to play the games. She didn’t want to wait it out and play catch-me-if-you-can. He wasn’t running after her anyway. That infuriated her more. Here she was trying to keep it very simple, and keep feelings at bay.

The underdog decided to tell her it had become more than just a physical relationship for him. He said the words any woman but her would want to hear,  “I got feelings for you, but I can’t handle them now.”

As many times she tried to figure out why she was so bummed, she couldn’t come up with a logical explanation. Over and over she convinced herself she just wanted the physical aspect of it but her stomach fluttered every time he looked at her.  The underdog was winning.  How was that happening? Even at his worst; hair grown out, beard, smoker’s breath, she would still get weak in the knees when she saw him. He never deserved to know that.

The time between those words and the end was a struggle for her.  There were times they got together.  Sometimes it took too much prodding on her part, but he gave in. Rarely did he ask to see her.  He kept to his word each time, “I’m not looking for anything right now.  If I were going to be with someone, it would be you, but I’m not looking.” Those words were so endearing, not!  They would make any woman want to run.  Not her.  It was actually the opposite.   She became more driven to get him to want her in that way.  The tables had turned; she was becoming the underdog, the sucker, always going back for more.

Until she realized she had to be true to herself and knew he would never be anything she really wanted or needed. It was good while it lasted and that was the harsh reality.

She didn’t win because there was nothing at stake; an unopened heart and a clear head.

Deep down she wanted someone to make her the center of his world as she would have done for anyone. After all, she did it unknowingly for the underdog.

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